Mr. J and I are at the age where everyone around us is either getting married or having a baby. So naturally, I encounter baby announcements almost daily; or at least it feels like it. There’s always a wave of emotion I experience when I learn that a new baby is on its way.
I would be lying to you and myself if I didn’t tell you that the first thing I feel is envy, but maybe not for reasons you think. I am completely envious of your excitement. I’ve been there, I remember that feeling, and I am so envious of you. My pregnancy with Mia has stolen my ability to be excited about future pregnancies. Instead, that feeling is replaced with fear. Intense fear that something will be wrong, and fear of bonding with a baby we may never take home. I’m fearful I won’t be able to enjoy future pregnancies. I fear I will constantly be expecting the worst, and holding my breath.
I’m envious of your bravery. Especially for those families who announce their pregnancy before 2nd trimester. I am so envious of your ability to share with everyone that you’re pregnant and not be fearful of what others will think or say. I know that the people around us will be excited when someday we are pregnant again, but I also know they will be worried due to complications we had in the past. I find myself calculating the best time to announce our future pregnancies and realizing there really isn’t a “safe zone.” I am now aware that a baby can die at any time during pregnancy or after it is born. I also know how painful it is to have to explain to everyone why you are no longer pregnant. The thought I experiencing that all over again upsets me. I am so envious that most of you don’t need to think about that.
I am so envious of the “mom club.” I know that technically I am a mom, but I lack the experience other moms have. When I get together with friend’s who have children naturally they like to talk about their kids and compare milestones together. I am so envious of moms being able to relate to each other and share stories. It’s like they’re all in a club I so badly want to be in but can’t join. Please don’t take this as a clue to stop talking about your child. Since having Mia I have discovered I know nothing about babies and it is all information I need to know. Some day I can hopefully contribute to that conversation but for now, I’ll be on the outside looking in.
Mostly, I’m excited. Chances are you are a friend or family member which means I get to meet your baby. Maybe some day I will feel differently about this (and I know this isn’t typical of mother’s with stillborn babies), but right now I enjoy spending time with your children and celebrating this exciting time in your life. Shortly after losing Mia I had a hard time being around other pregnant women. Especially women who were close to my due date. But now all those babies are here and I enjoy watching them grow.
Lastly, I pray. I pray that your family never experiences a loss like Mr. J and I have. I pray that you have a happy, healthy pregnancy, and baby. Don’t we all deserve that?
*20 weeks pregnant with Mia, and a week before she was diagnosed with Triploidy.
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